This is your official warning, this post concerns mental health and suicide, with an intentional focus on my personal experience. If that doesn't sound like your media of choice today; have a good one, hopefully see you next time.
Another important disclaimer is that I am not a therapist, nor am I professing that I know what is best for everyone in any similar situation. If you or someone you care about is suffering from any mental health issue or having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help. The national suicide and crisis lifeline number is 988. There are many other outlets and hotlines available; reach out—you are loved.
I will be speaking on the mood disorders that I personally suffer from. Keep in mind that there are many other juices that may be in one's mental illness smoothie, and everyone's mix plays out differently. Some may worry for me upon reading this—know that I am well. Fret not team! Most of what I am presenting here is in the past. Please read to the end—I promise it will smooth out.
Through sharing some of my own experience, I hope I can enlighten others as to how so many of us are suffering and what it is we are feeling. I hope to begin to bridge the gap in understanding between those who do and do not have mental illness. For those who may be suffering currently, I hope they know they are not alone, and maybe some of what has helped me can be applied to their lives for the better. I hope I can help them realize their strength and find ways to reach out or verbalize their situation better to those around them. Finally, I hope to guide others on how to be supportive to those who suffer.
This will be an unusual read, as I have structured it to be read along with music if you wish. You can create your own playlist where you prefer, or I have it available on my Spotify if that is accessible to you. The lyrics in some of the songs connect with the content matter, but try not to focus much on that, as the emotion of the music is the main connection I'm hoping to create. I would suggest playing the music at a low enough volume (max 25%) so that it is only in the background and does not distract you from the text itself. The songs arranged for each section are listed with the titles.
Playlist: Spotify – determinedpanda, Playlist – Em Dashes and Semicolons
(1)Sound of Philadelphia – Reef The Lost Cauze
(2)Turning Into Stone – Phantogram
(3)(This Is) The Dream of Evan and Chan – Dntel
(4)Quicksand – Incubus
(5)Little Deschutes – Laura Veirs
(6)5AM – Amber Run
(7)End Credits – Eden, Leah Kelly
(8)Amenamy – Purity Ring
(9)Weekend – Louis The Child, Icona Pop
(10)Tribulation – Matt Maeson
(11)Vittorio E. – Spoon
(12)glisten (interlude) – Jeremy Zucker
(13)I'll Show You – K/DA, TWICE, Bekuh Boom, Annika Wells, League of Legends
(14)Time – NF
(15)The Orchard – Ra Ra Riot
(16)The Drowned Girl – Yann Tiersen
(17)Hoop –The Jellyrox
Depression – Tracks: (1) Sound of Philadelphia – Reef The Lost Cauze, (2) Turning Into Stone – Phantogram
Not expecting hip-hop as the background for the depression section? Don't worry, the rest of the music in this portion will be exclusively Elliot Smith tracks and auto-tuned crying over a somber electronic beat.
It might seem inappropriate for me to make jokes in this writing, but I think it is important for a few reasons: I don't want this piece to be a black hole, people with mental health issues can be funny, and it is important for me to demonstrate and communicate that I am the same person you have met and interacted with. If I'm having a bad day but I still try to do something fun with you, it is a way to say, “I'm still in here and fighting.” Saying I have these issues does not change who I am. They have been with me for a long time and will continue to be a part of my life.
Depressed people laugh and joke. Depressed people can have a good time. Depressed people can appear very happy when in public. This can be masking, or they could genuinely be enjoying themselves in those moments. I am very positive with everyone I meet. This does not mean I do not have dark thoughts constantly; I have strengthened myself to not allow this to dictate how I interact with my world.
I intentionally started with energy in the music. I find hip-hop to be appropriate when discussing mental health. This shit is frustrating. And people 'round here is getting fed up. Although we are diving into the murkier waters, I am not presenting this to bring you down and make people feel sorry for me. I am sharing this to bring understanding and connection. Take my words as examples and lessons. You've got this. Let's go.
Throughout this text and others, a distinction needs to be made between Clinical Depression and general depression. The relevant definition of depression is a state of low spirits. The key here is that depression has to do with short-term moments of hopelessness. In contrast, Major Depressive Disorder creates a way of living where you have lessened motivation and joy all the time, strengthening negative feelings of isolation and helplessness. With Clinical Depression, there is a perpetual inner battle taking place. This is not a situational emotion, but a chronic illness. I will stop capitalizing depression for the remainder of this unless I am defining something, but understand I am talking about the illness and the mood.
People with depression may be viewed as lazy and/or selfish, and the fear of being labeled as such can bring shame and self-loathing to those of us suffering from depression. I will admit that sometimes I am genuinely being lazy or selfish, and this is a balance I need to push myself through. My struggles and past have ingrained some bad habits on this front. That being said, to assume that someone who is depressed is simply being lazy because they are not getting things done is not only a misunderstanding, it is harmful.
Depression can be inflicted through trauma, while some is caused by different brain/neuropathic/hormonal issues. The causes and symptoms vary from case to case. The general symptoms most commonly attributed to depression are low mood/sadness, hopelessness, helplessness, anhedonia, lack of energy, disturbances in sleep and eating, and suicidal thoughts. More issues can be present with depression, and each individual's life shapes their depression into the form it takes. It can be challenging to recognize these symptoms within yourself amid the daily grind and society's emphasis on picking oneself up and pushing forward.
Anhedonia is an important term to know in order to really understand Major Depressive Disorder. Anhedonia is the absence of pleasure. Sustained periods of time in which you cannot find pleasure in things can be extraordinarily painful and bring more hopeless feelings to the forefront.
An important clarification with anhedonia is that there can still be instances of fleeting pleasure. Even when your life is overrun with anhedonia, there can be funny things that make you laugh or moments where you are able to escape your mind for a moment and have a good conversation. The issue with anhedonia is that once you are not fully engaged or distracted, and you slip back into your own mind, nothing sounds interesting or appealing again. You may get confused when someone tells you that they are extremely depressed then you see them laugh. The person isn't gone. They have just lost the ability to find joy on their own terms.
Imagine a world where you don't enjoy anything. You wake up in the morning, starting your day frustrated to leave the comfortable escape of sleep. None of your food looks good; you skip breakfast. All of the things you love bring no joy. You listen to your favorite song, only making it 10 seconds in. The pain and hopelessness that accompanies anhedonia are amplified when you try to do your favorite things and they are absent of any joy or pleasure. You turn on your favorite show—it isn't funny or engaging—you turn it off. You open 5 different games and immediately close them as you can already feel your lack of interest in everything you are doing. You stare blankly forward, desperately searching your mind for anything that sounds decent or at least distracting. You find nothing and look forward to going to bed later, but it is still morning, and you have to get through the day.
To better understand depression it is also important to view the scale of things. All of these feelings are compounded and grow exponentially worse the longer they are sustained. It can be very difficult to break out of the grasps of your depression, and the longer you are clutched by its vice grip, the more it intensifies and tightens. Depression is something we have to deal with all the time, every day. It is not going anywhere, and it is constantly looking for opportunities to drag us back down. I am medicated, I have a very strict sleeping routine, and I am incredibly mindful of my feelings and moods. I have my mental toolbelt—my arsenal of defenses and counters. I do my best every day, but again the scale of time comes into play, as doing everything “right” every day is exhausting—especially when you still have terrible days despite doing everything “right”.
Regarding looking at a larger timeline, anhedonia over a long enough time is enough to make anyone crazy. Not enjoying anything for a day is miserable, let alone weeks, months, years of a life without joy or pleasure. Extended bouts of anhedonia have personally led to my darkest days.
With all of these factors in tow, depression also has a way of making simple tasks challenging. Every movement can feel like extra work, and using more energy through your day on every mundane task can leave you too exhausted to get all the things done you know you should. This in turn gives your mind more fuel to keep yourself down under the control of your depression.
In the past, I have described depression as pushing a boulder up a hill every day of your life. I get some of what I was going for with this analogy, but recently I have found it to be less apt, as pushing a boulder up a hill would instill some sense of accomplishment. My current analogy is that everything in your life feels heavier. Every object, thought, interaction, and movement takes more effort and conscious willpower to execute. Each day is a grueling workout for your entire being; pushing through each basic task is draining. This in turn leaves you more vulnerable to your depressed mind, as you may have spent too much energy just getting through your day, and now you have none left to defend yourself. This also adds to the cycle of struggling to get anything done, then being frustrated with your lack of progress.
These weights can lighten for some. The weights can act similarly to the physical weights we use in the gym. Over time, they can strengthen you to make the weight feel less overbearing. Within the different severities of depression lie different possibilities for how much stronger one can get. Some people need medication to lift some of the weight. Some people learn and practice different strategies to combat the weight from a different angle. Some people's weights are so burdensome that medication, therapy, and all they have tried can't help relieve the pressure. Some people can have weight lifted by loved ones and pets. Some people can have weights lifted by passion and creativity. Finding what helps each individual in their own struggle is a challenge for both the depressed and those around them.
Depression explained! Boom. Knowing that you are all very intelligent, I wrote that immaculately, aaand what I said encompasses all of what everyone dealing with depression has ever gone through, we can move on, as I have single-handedly bridged the gap in understanding for the world and depression. Holy shit, I'm good.
Anxiety – Tracks: (3)(This Is) The Dream of Evan and Chan – Dntel, (4) Quicksand – Incubus
Moving on to anxiety disorders! In my imagination after the audience reads that sentence, a bunch of kids yell, “Yay!” as if they were on Barney and they were all getting cake. Does Barney still exist? Fill in the gap there with whatever childhood show you find most fitting. I don't know, what are kids into these days? Think about eating Tide pods or some other fond memory from your childhood; fuck it.
Like so many others with mental health issues, I have more than one barrier in the way of my daily life. Many people who have depression also deal with anxiety disorders. Sometimes one creates the other, sometimes they all barge in together.
Anxiety comes in as many forms as there are many people. Some is general, some is specific. All of it can go fuck itself. Anxiety can warp your mind into seeing alarms and adding full stops in mundane, routine tasks and situations. A great many things are approached with caution so as not to wake the beast. Even when you avoid this monster's normal triggers, it lashes out for seemingly no reason.
In my personal experience, I notice physical symptoms more frequently than I do mental and emotional symptoms. I am normally decent at not letting mental anxiety get me too riled up, however, it does sneak its way in to hyperbolize my depressed thoughts. Physical manifestations of my anxiety are very common. Heavy breathing and increased heart rate are fairly standard. I am lucky enough to have these symptoms on a relatively limited basis, however, most workdays include some time when I am sick to my stomach and/or very itchy. Lately, it has been for no apparent reason. Zero trigger present, just my anxiety reminding me of its presence.
Fun new game show idea! Sick or Anxious?!?! The only game show that makes you extremely uncomfortable and/or gives you a pathogen! Here I go!
I sure do feel like shit; I wonder what my body is trying to tell me? I walk outside for fresh air and to catch my breath. I wear rubber bands around my wrist to snap myself, redirecting my brain to the physical pain of the snap, allowing my mind to reset somewhat. I focus on breathing. In for two seconds, hold two, out two, hold two. Good. In three, three, three, three. Good. Oh—I shat my pants. “Oooop! Viewers, this time it looks like we've got another sicky! That wasn't anxiety, silly. Giardia—it was giardia. Well, do you at least have some peace of mind in your shitted pants? That's great, thanks for playing—say it with me—Sick or Anxious!?!”
Panic attacks are the pinnacle of anxiety's douche-baggery. Again these can come from nowhere and build like a tropical storm. The anxiety gains momentum with its own mass growing in you, consuming you. Feeling sick? FUCKING PANIC BREATHE MORE! Getting numb? FUCKING PANIC YOU'RE DYING! Can't breathe? FUCKING BREATHE WHY CANT I FUCKING BREATHE? Passing out from lack of oxygen? MAYBE WE SHOULD PANIC MORE TO HELP! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I have only had one full panic attack. Not sure how to describe it other than you mentally and physically feel like you are going to die. You know it isn't your fault, and somehow you blame yourself for being in this situation.
I do not remember any trigger. I was at work, but my work at this time was not all that stressful. I started out feeling short of breath. I went outside to breathe freely at a table. My mind spun itself around with ever-increasing momentum. I called my roommate to pick me up. He had to fully support me walking to the car, where he suggested I should go to the ER. Your mind is amazingly powerful. It even has the power to take a fully healthy body and shut that shit down.
After lying down, calmly breathing, feeling like death for a couple of hours, I felt more or less okay. Hungover in a kind of way, but it passed. From what I have heard about other people's experiences with panic attacks, I can say this was mild in comparison to what a lot of people go through. Panic attacks often hospitalize people. It is a traumatic experience for many.
Gratefully, I haven't had anything near that level since. I still have plenty of physical symptoms of anxiety, but knowing it's there and won't hurt me helps. Usually, the panic attacks I experience normally last about 5 minutes. I know what it is now, so I have some comfort in knowing that I understand it and can get through it without making it worse. Totally random panic attacks are common. There are certainly some factors that increase chances, such as how I've been eating/sleeping/exercising etc. These factors can be hard to track when trying to identify what may be a cause, but it is worth noting how your physical health is important to your mental health.
My panic attacks start with a unique feeling. It is a blessing to have the warning so I can prepare myself; it is a nightmare to always say, “Stop, no, stop, stop, no, no, no.” to myself, knowing full well there is nothing I can do to slow or stop what is to come. My minor panic attacks simply make me feel extremely ill until they pass. It is hard to describe the particular sensations, as they are something I have only experienced in that context. Extreme physical illness for 5 minutes seems to be the best way to explain it to laymen. I can do nothing for these 5 minutes other than sit still and breathe. Often I will end up leaning on something or with my hands on my knees, focusing on my breathing until it subsides enough for me to move to get water.
I expect I look quite pale when these are happening. I have been approached by multiple strangers during a panic attack making sure I'm okay. Thank you to those people. Side note on aiding those in a panic attack—if they need water or a safe, comfortable place to sit, that is about all you can do. Don't be overly concerned for them, asking more questions, insisting on helping, or staying physically close to them. Generally, the best thing you can do for someone having a panic attack is to leave them alone in a safe, quiet place with water and a snack. If they have a dog or you are a close friend, they may want physical contact, but speaking for myself—do not touch me when I'm having a panic attack unless you are a dog.
Anxiety comes in many forms. Anxiety around certain objects or activities is very common. Sometimes these surround huge facets of life. Every meal, every time you wash your hands, every time you go to bed. A frightened mind is a powerful thing. Animals lose control of a lot when we are in fight or flight mode. The rational mind can be shattered.
In your mind you have become the prey. Keep alert to every cracking stick in the forest; anything that isn't the standard is alarming. Comfort feels unattainable unless everything around is exactly as it should be. Nothing less.
New kids show: “Fun Times with Angsty”
“What should we do today kids?”
“Let's go to the pool, Angsty!”
“Do you wanna fucking drown? The fuck is wrong with you? You're all useless.”
“Geeze Angsty, that was mean.”
“ Life bitches.” Angsty lights a cigarette.
Next week on “Fun Times with Angsty” the kids learn about mortality and airborne pathogens!
Suicide – Tracks: (5) Little Deschutes – Laura Veirs, (6) 5AM – Amber Run, (7) End Credits – EDEN, Leah Kelly
This is the big one. The content of this section has made me question if I should share it. This section makes me horrified that someone will misunderstand what I say. I continue to run into roadblocks in life that tell me, “Now is not the time to share this, wait until enough time has passed.” I've lost people to suicide; there are people I love who battle suicidality frequently; time to talk.
This is such a profoundly complicated and sensitive issue that I hope we can make an agreement here to take what I am saying as my experience and an attempt to explain some of why people kill themselves. I am not glorifying or encouraging suicide, but trying to help others better understand how some get to this place in order to help and protect the susceptible.
Among the myriad of mental health issues my body is host to, I have chronic suicidal ideation. For the remainder of this article, I will refer to this as SI, as it is commonly referred to in the business. Y'all are insiders now, congratulations. Chronic SI has a range of severity, as with all disease. To put it simply, it means that the thought of suicide pops up in my head automatically as a solution to different situations. I know that statement seems illogical, and much of this is, but mental health issues often circumvent logic. Chronic SI is overwhelmingly connected to other mental health issues, so that is often where it starts. The basic idea is that if I am put into an extremely painful or stressful situation, one of the solutions my brain will quickly turn to is killing myself. Remember that the rest of me is still there to damper these thoughts, bringing in better solutions to my problems, which I put my focus and energy into.
Chronic SI is unfortunately much more common than people think. Despite the growing issue of suicide across cultures, it feels that the world isn't paying attention. People are sad that mental health and suicide are problems, but it goes no further than that. Pity doesn't do shit, people. We need empathy and understanding. We need emotional, physical, and institutional support.
There are people out there working to improve these things, but the average US citizen is unaware. My hope here is to raise awareness. Not that suicide is a problem—that is something we have all become painfully aware of. I hope to raise awareness as to why people like myself are suffering, with the hope that we can better understand others as well as have a more empathetic view toward the world and each other. Maybe we can also learn to have some difficult conversations that could save lives. Here's hoping for the best.
Mental health issues and SI can fluctuate in their ferocity. Some days I'm like a “normal” person; doing things actually sounds enjoyable, and I can casually have fun without any extra effort or thought. Some days I am frozen in depression, unable to find a single thing that sounds tolerable. All the things I love can't bring even the slightest light to my day. Joy is unreachable on these days. Some days I start great, kicking ass until I get tired in the afternoon and can't fight the dark side of my brain anymore. Side note—I have named this dark side of my brain Karl. No offense to the Karls out there, sorry that happened to be what I named my depressed/anxious/SI brain. For those of you who suffer from any mental health issue, note that it has been very helpful for me to anthropomorphize this part of myself. The benefit of giving it a name is that you can distance yourself from it. My depression/anxiety/SI are not me. That shit's Karl. Karl is a fucking twat. No, not you Karls; I am referring to my own Karl. The fucking twat.
In 2019, Karl was a particularly ferocious and ruthless bastard. I wish I could pinpoint the catalyst that started everything to give me some guidance as to what to avoid in the future, but I am still unsure. All work with mental health is a work in progress, constantly adapting when new information comes to light. Through 2019 I worked as a nurse aide at a local hospital. This job was both amazing and terrible for me. With my high functioning anxiety and a strong work ethic—as well as being a sensitive, empathetic, caring individual—I am a kick-ass nurse aide. That is an understatement. You want me taking care of you. It gave me a great sense of pride and fulfillment doing this job. It was also killing me slowly.
Self care is incredibly important, and I found myself entirely unable to do anything in this realm. Depression and other mental health issues already create a challenge with self care, and in a double whammy, the medical field can be a place where it is hard to take care of yourself. There are many like me in medicine who give all of themselves to help others, leaving nothing in the tank for themselves. My empathy and sensitivity also left me vulnerable to feeling too much of other people's pain. People have said that I should learn to put a barrier up, get a little more distance, don't put everything into it. That simply is not me. My empathy and sensitivity are some of my biggest strengths. I refuse to abandon who I am in order to do a job.
Starting in 2018 and through the entire year of 2019 my anhedonia was at an all-time high. Over a year of not finding joy or pleasure in anything, simply distracting myself as much as possible to not have to spend time in my own head. I was more or less unable to function outside of work other than getting to and from work and staying alive. I could not find the energy or care to make or eat food. Even the food my roommate put in front of my face didn't seem appetizing or enjoyable. Unable to find anything of interest, I would lie in bed listening to whatever YouTube decided was the next Game of Thrones lore or 10 AMAZING NEW ARCHEOLOGICAL DISCOVERIES video my algorithm said I should consume. In and out of my head, in and out of focus.
I would like to again clarify that horribly depressed and/or suicidal people will still laugh or dance, having moments escaping their mind to have real joy. This can be very confusing, as people also mask negative emotions. Remember it is always okay to ask the simple question, “Are you safe?” Make sure you are sensitive to whether they want to respond. If you are comfortable, later on in a relationship you can ask them specifics on how they are and how their emotions present. Be patient and observant.
I have always been skinny. In 2018 when I was feeling fairly well, I weighed 185lbs standing at 6'2”. This was the most I have ever weighed, and that was with a (relative) beer belly. By the start of 2019, I was down to 170. By August 2019, I weighed 125lbs. I don't know if my friends were lying or if they genuinely didn't see the difference, but I would cry when I looked at myself in the mirror with my shirt off. I wouldn't eat for days at a time, finally ordering myself something on Grubhub after failing to find something appealing in my own home. My drive to order food would not come from hunger or a desire to eat something, but from my hands, feet, and face going numb and/or my feeling faint.
As my lack of self care continued, things worsened. My SI grew to an extent that any moment I was not distracted I was entirely filled with a desire to kill myself. Any moment of being present with myself was so painful that I would wish it would end and I could just be dead. I want to state how little I am exaggerating here in order to express how painful anhedonia can be. Every waking second that I was not distracted, I wanted to die.
My main drive for not ending my life at this point was that I didn't want to hurt the people who loved me—I just didn't have the care or energy to do anything above surviving. Unfortunately, this is common within the community suffering from SI. It is important to note how essential loved ones are in the lives of people suffering from any mental illness. I understand it can be difficult to support those who bring negative emotions into your life. I understand that we can seem ungrateful or you might feel that you aren't helping. I understand it is frustrating to love and support us. Just don't leave entirely—that gives many of us one less reason to be.
A side note I would like to discuss is Suicide Awareness Month—September. Not all professions do/show much for this—and that is another issue—but for me, working in a hospital during this month while having active SI provided an extra level of pain. In the bathrooms and break rooms, there are informative posters on the warning signs that someone you know is a fucking insane person who wants to kill themselves. “5 common signs that your friends are legitimately bat-shit crazy!” I understand the intent and I am sure I was extra sensitive at that time, but that is the emotion I took from it. The most painful thing about the month was although this information was everywhere in the hospital, almost no one asked me if I was okay.
I love my nursing family, and they were an amazing support system for me—I want that to be noted. The point I am making here is more on the discomfort and difficulty of broaching this subject. We need to be real with people we care about sometimes. The boundaries and bubbles we typically respect socially can temporarily be lifted to ask that simple question, “Are you safe?” It is then on both parties to respect this question. For those suffering, this kind of question can put you on the defensive—it is not intended to be anything but supportive the majority of the time. For those questioning, it is for you to trust the answer you are given. Any further digging past this will almost certainly be damaging. If they say they are not safe, respond as calmly as possible and thank them for being open.
If they aren't safe it is time to enlist help. You alone cannot fix the situation. Make sure they will be safe at home, make sure they eat and sleep, then work on getting more help. If they don't have a therapist, that is step one usually. There are programs in and out of facilities to help. You need assistance, and that is fine; it is important to keep in mind that you cannot fix it by yourself.
If home is not safe or if they are at serious risk of hurting themselves, take them to the hospital. If you aren't with them, send a wellness check from 911. It sucks to be the friend who does this, but it is necessary.
I took an important step in my life to get away from the medical field. This was more than a career change, it was a change in focus—a change in what is important in my life. New Year's Eve 2019 was my last day as a nurse aide, starting 2020 fresh with a critical new mindset—my health and happiness should be my top priority. It took me until I was 30 to realize that my health and happiness were important. This is something that partially stems from my mental health, but I realized it is also ingrained in our culture and society in the US.
Your health and happiness are a priority. It can be very good for you to take time that may feel selfish to focus on yourself, making sure you are setting yourself up for success. It isn't selfish – it's essential.
The semicolon is a symbol some use surrounding suicide and those suffering from mental health issues. The idea behind it is that it is not the end of a sentence; it is a continuation. This article is my first experience with em dashes—these things. They function similarly in writing and I have come to naturally put them in my work without even knowing it.
Not to saturate the symbol market, but the em dash feels like the natural progression for the semicolon here. To me it feels like a healthy deep breath in a sentence—subtle meditation through prose. Em dashes are another option for us rather than that all so permanent period. When a challenge arises, do not choose to finalize the sentence of your life. Keep that sentence running on, with as many semicolons and em dashes as you need to keep going.
I want to end with humor.....but. Suicide jokes can be fine at the right place and time. Be careful joking too much about self harm around people who suffer.
Energy – Tracks: (8)Amenamy – Purity Ring, (9)Weekend – Louis The Child, Icona Pop
I will not pretend to understand exactly what parts of my mental health directly cause the different ailments I face. For example, I am perplexed by the root issue that needs to be tackled regarding my perpetual lack of energy. Overall it seems to just be something that I will need to deal with forever. When I am talking about energy in this context, I am referring to overall energy to do anything. Some of this energy is drained by social interaction, some by physical and mental work, some is used on emotion, and some is used in my daily contest to stay on top of my negative thoughts. We all use this energy, my reservoir is simply smaller and/or takes more time to replenish.
To the naked eye, I probably appear to be a lazy sack of shit. I accomplish very little in my free time, and I have come to genuinely enjoy spending my free time in a way that others see as a waste. A large part of my choices in my extracurricular activities are born of necessity. My energy is precious to me, as I have become painfully aware of how entirely miserable I am when I am without it. I have come to find that the best way for me to recharge my overall energy is to do as little as possible. So yeah, I'm a lazy sack of shit, but I am for a reason. This is not meant to excuse my overindulgence in this vice, rather, it is an attempt to help people understand why I do what I do.
In order for you to potentially understand where I am coming from, it is important for me to clarify what it means for me to be out of energy and how easy it is for me to drain my battery. When I am completely depleted of energy, the single thing I want is to die. I push through, knowing I will feel better after rest. If a day of work has left me empty, I will reach my car and crash. It will take a tremendous amount of self motivation just to drive home. I don't even have the power to get to the most energy-refilling source I have without forcing myself. At least once on the drive home, I want to pull my car over, get out, lie down in the grass, and die. I do sometimes pull over, but just to refocus. When I pull into the garage, it takes mental effort to get the fuck up and get inside. My dog deserves a shout-out here, as seeing her brought me the energy to greet her, providing more energy to continue.
My energy also seems more sensitive than that of a lot of people. Being near anyone drains some energy. Talking to anyone drains energy. Finding something that sounds enjoyable takes energy. Texting takes energy! It's so fucking stupid. I hate it and how it limits me from being the person I want to be, but I have had to accept it and work on what I can within my limitations.
I cry a lot. It is fine. I have had to come to deal with this in my life. It does make people uncomfortable, nothing I can do about it. If I can deal with my shit, you can deal with seeing me cry sometimes. On days with low energy, I am on a slider from quiet crying to completely bawling throughout the day. Times that I have the space to let more out, I do. Otherwise, I keep the tears in my eyes and blow my nose.
Fun trick for hiding crying, team! If you do it just a little at a time, it doesn't overflow your eyelids, goes into your sinuses, and you blow your nose! People assume it's allergies, but it's really pain! Hooray for hiding emotions to get through the day!
Once I get comfortable at home, my energy does not increase naturally until I get it moving. This can be tricky, as running on empty makes everything unappetizing. I run through my playlist of normally enjoyable options until something engages me enough to get interest and energy rising. Another key factor with my energy is that I seem to be unable to fully recover my energy from a day of work to go into the next day. I am still okay the next day but then I am able to recover a little less and the following day is more grueling, etc.
I am a numbers and graphs kind of person, so think of my energy on a scale of 0 to 10. I start my work week at a 10—the work of the day drops me to a 6. Recovery for the day starts my next day at 8, I leave at 4. Play this out for the four-day workweek I need to function with start/finish energy for my workweek—10/6, 8/4, 6/2, 4/0. Remember 0 is when I only want to die. This is pretty standard for the end of a grueling workweek for me, maybe a third of the time, but it is getting better.
So this leaves me empty, pushing myself to even get to the floor of my room. You want me to adult now? I need to do chores and cook? I wanted to die with the thought of having to drive home. You can go fuck yourself with these ridiculous requests of actually taking care of myself and my life.
I am finding new tactics for pushing myself and redirecting energy, however, this is and will remain a challenge for me. It can be particularly frustrating with the culture of the US superimposed on this. Working harder is the solution to everything here. If I work too hard, I implode. Feels like a lose-lose to me.
Sharper Image, NASA, or whoever—could you do me a favor and make a device that gives me energy? Cocaine has too many side effects.
For Those Who Suffer – Tracks: (10) Tribulation – Matt Maeson, (11) Vittorio E. – Spoon, (12) glisten (interlude) – Jeremy Zucker, (13) I'll Show You – K/DA, etc.
First, I want to share that I love you. It may be hard to accept that someone who may not have met you could love you, but I truly do. Love is one of the few resources in our world that is limitless as long as we are here to give it to one another, and I find myself to have an overabundance of love. I am more than happy to extend this to you. Love to some people means that you need to like or love a great majority about a person, but that is not always the case. With unconditional love, like that in a family, you are loved regardless of who you are as a person. That is how I love you. I understand what you are going through and just for our shared experience, I love you. You are loved. Know that.
Therapy is only a good thing! I am so proud that I am in therapy and constantly working to better myself. That is all it is. You can be free from any mental ailment, and I still think you should go to therapy. They are a party in which you can work through things without judgment, allowing you to collectively find how you can be a better person in your situation. Everyone should be in therapy, because everyone should always be pushing to be the best version of themselves.
I would like to reach out to the men in the audience who suffer. There are extra stigmas in the way of you healing and seeking help, and I want to tell you that all of those things can go fuck themselves. We are thankfully growing and doing much better with understanding and limiting some of the rigid guidelines of what it means to be a 'man' in today's society. That being said, there are still many who feel or have been taught that getting help is a sign of weakness. Toxic mindsets like these are part of the reason men are so much more likely to commit suicide. The reality is that it takes maturity, self awareness, and unique strength to know when you need help and to seek it out. Another example of toxic masculine bullshit is that if you cry you are weak. Crying is healthy and fine; it is not reserved for funerals and winning a big sports game. I am a man who cries regularly. I have always cried more than any man I know, and that is totally fine. If you do not express emotions through crying, that is fine, too, just give yourself the freedom to cry if that is what you need to do. If anyone is uncomfortable with you crying, that is their problem to deal with, not yours.
Back to the whole audience. I don't mean to value anyone's pain over another's, I simply understand some of the issues that can come from being a man. We all have our different struggles that shouldn't be compared or quantified in relation to someone else. Moving on.
It is critically important for you to seek and find support in whatever form works best for you. Reaching out is overwhelming and challenging, but it is worth it. Putting yourself out there and being open about what you are going through is not enjoyable, so there is no natural drive to do these things; after you push through the hard start, there will be relief and support. If you have the opportunity and ability to, seeking a professional therapist and/or psychiatrist would be ideal. Institutional support is there for those who feel they do not have the monetary means to get professional help, and there are opportunities such as going to student therapists. There are also more out there like me who love you simply for what you have gone through, there are those who love all of you, there are those who are waiting to love you wholly. Do not deny them the opportunity to love you because you fear showing your pain.
Open up to someone, anyone when you are in pain. Do not suffer alone and in silence. It is not fun for others to hear that you are in pain, of course, and this can be a deterrent from having these conversations but know that they would rather be there to help you than see you needlessly hurt. People are inherently good and supportive, regardless of the rhetoric that is displayed in the current public discord. Change your tiktok feed to people helping each other rather than yelling at each other. Watch as strangers hug and hold people who are trying to jump off of a bridge. There are so many examples of strangers who may or may not agree with each other stepping up to help each other in so many ways. The world is full of these subtle heroes.
Sure, some people will not have the energy/time/desire to help you as a passerby on the street, but so many out there do and will support you. If you are struggling, you may find yourself not wanting to burden the people you know with how you are feeling. You think you don't have anyone to talk to—think again, friend. Go to a park and sit on a bench where people walk by. When you are comfortable, ask someone if they have a minute to talk and tell them you are struggling. I suggest being upfront with the point of you not being in a good spot, as that will get you the type of person you are looking for. Most likely, they will not be perfect at understanding or supporting you, but you can be grateful and have some relief that someone cares enough to stop and talk to you. Simply talking things out helps enormously. This is especially true when it comes to suicide, as those who voice their suicidal thoughts are much less likely to act on them.
There are hotlines like the one I posted at the beginning where you can reach an anonymous person to talk with. I know many in the suicidal community have a fear of calling a suicide hotline, thinking that they will immediately send the police or put you under a suicide watch. This is not their job. Yes, they may ask where you are in case of an emergency, but this is not something to recoil from. These people are amazing. They are trained to talk to you. Again, simply talking things out is relieving and greatly reduces your chances of acting on your SI.
Even if you do not suffer from SI, opening up and finding a support system is important for all of us struggling with mental health issues of any kind. Find your pod of friends, family, therapist(s), support groups, or what have you, who you feel comfortable talking to about whatever you are feeling. With these groups, it is also important to be grounded about how they can support you. You may receive different types and perceived qualities of support from different people – they may not have been in a situation like this before, they may be struggling with things of their own, they may be stuck trying to figure out exactly how they can help you. Be patient and grateful with anyone willing to help you, even if their response and support may initially not feel like what you need. As you get more comfortable in these conversations you may be able to ask for a specific kind of support or help guide the people you are talking with as to how they can help you. I will discuss more in the next section how others can learn to support people in these circumstances.
My next point for those who suffer is to not abuse drugs (alcohol included). I know the appeal of drugs when you are in pain. I understand how entirely escaping your mind can be a great relief. I also have the desire to feel as much pleasure and peak my happiness after being through so many lows and so much pain. The issue with drugs is that they lead to only fleeting happiness with long-term effects that are detrimental to your progress and ability to truly heal. There is also the addictive side of drugs that can lead you down even darker paths. If you are medicated (prescribed), alcohol and other drugs directly counter the medication's ability to work and help you feel better. Find healthier substitutes: meditate, exercise, learn something new, play music, sing, dance, make art, whatever you find in your life to be energizing. Don't get me wrong, I am still working on this issue myself.
On the topic of meditation, I have found it to be a powerful tool. Many dislike or find themselves inadequate at meditating and give up on it too early. There is no correct way to meditate. I would suggest guided meditations to start, as they give you something calming to focus on. From there you can find what works best for you. Your mind will wander, this is not failing at meditation or something to be frustrated about. Let it wander and find its way back. The key for me is to reset and find my calm center, away from Karl or whatever is ailing me.
I could extend my full mental tool belt to you at this point, but I think that may be saved for another post if it is something people care to hear about. For now I will finish this section by applauding you for your resilience and strength. When we suffer from mental health issues, the great strength we possess is not entirely apparent to those around us, or even to ourselves in many situations. Simple things like getting up and eating, making it through a day of work, or getting out to see friends may be so taxing and demanding that they deserve praise. You are getting yourself through this daily battle for your sanity, health, and happiness. You are so strong. Keep up the good work.
We have to continuously challenge ourselves. Even writing that felt exhausting. It sucks. This sucks. No playing. We will never get better without trying to lift our weights in different ways until we find a way to make it easier. Keep slamming into that door until it opens; it is cracking. I often get defeated, sitting on the floor looking at what appears to be little damage to the door keeping me stuck. Then I get complacent on the floor thinking that this is better than the effort of hitting the door for something that feels pointless. Push yourself whenever you can. I'm still struggling to do so, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't at least push when I can and struggle forward.
A current barrier I am trying to deal with is exactly that. I have come to learn that I have a fear of pushing myself too hard after my experience in 2019. It can be hard to express how traumatized I am from that experience. Thinking about being near that mental state paralyzes me. I refuse to go back there. I will be homeless or die before I work myself back to 2019. There is validity in this, but it also carries toxic baggage that is making each push forward scarier. We must continue finding our limitations and fighting as hard as we can.
Anime music feels appropriate with fighting mental ailments. Bring in some energy and power up to beat the big baddie. Mental health issues do make a hell of an anime antagonist. Looming dark power keeping the main character from having joy or moving forward. You, as the MC, go through your training arc getting mentally and emotionally swole.
“Karl.” I say, staring confidently forward. “We meet again. This won't end up like last time.”
“Hahahahaha. You're still weak, you live with your mom, you're single, your dog is dead.”
“Yeah, things aren't perfect, but I am at my best and I am stronger than YOU!”
I rip off my shirt. Boom! Shblam! Big anime power-up blowing Karl into bits.
“You think that can stop me?”
Those of you who aren't familiar with anime, the big bad is never dead after one go. There will be some new power pulled out of their ass that perfectly counters whatever the MC thought they had going for them.
“You may have strength with your conscious brain, but how about your dreams?”
Of course the antagonist can insert into my dreams, making me ruin everything for everyone in the time intended for resting. Why not? This is anime after all, I expect next you will tell me you can control the weather and show me your harem of scantily-clad, big-titted women.
“You have learned you need to socialize to feel better, falling right into my hands. All social interaction is going to be horribly uncomfortable for you. Muahahaha.”
“Karl.... You know what?” I take a seat. “Fine.”
“Be upset dammit! I'm making you feel sick out of nowhere, hahahaha.”
“It'll pass.”
“I WILL BRING YOU DOWN!”
“Try me.”
We all have antagonists in our brain. The fight isn't about vanquishing the monster, it's about being strong enough to not care that it's there in the first place. The extra pressures you put on yourself to be more or different can go live in a cave with the monster we no longer care about. You don't have to be anything other than you. Do your best. Show them what you're made of.
The search is worth it. Everyone does have something out there that can help. It can be overwhelmingly difficult to find your solutions, but the journey is not only worth it, but you may look back and find that you have gained and learned more than you thought on your way. My life has not been particularly enjoyable, but I am starting to gain pride and respect for what I have done. Y'know the old, “Wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't take that shit on my parents' bed” line. Hard times build strength, and I genuinely love who I have become. I know I wouldn't be this person if I hadn't had to plow through unfortunate situations. Like when your parents throw you out at 16 for shitting on their bed.
How to Support – Tracks: (14) Time – NF , (15) The Orchard – Ra Ra Riot
I would like to take this moment to ask you to be considerate when talking to me about this post. I understand that people who care for me may not be thrilled with all of this content, so I know some will want to help/call/show up uninvited. I would love to feel your love and care, I do not want to reject anyone outright and sound ungrateful; reaching out is absolutely appreciated all the time. All I am asking is to be understanding of where I am with this—I may not respond to everyone and everything. I am working through a lot of other problems while I'm working on this, and I still have my day-to-day life to get through.
An important note is that you are doing a great job of supporting if you are trying at all, listening, and coming with a genuine will to help. It can be intimidating to approach these subjects with people you care about, fearing that you could make things worse or say something wrong. There is also a lot that doesn't make sense to those who do not suffer from these things. I would suggest being open with yourself and anyone you are helping if you do not know how to help. This is a common issue. Often, the person who is suffering doesn't know either. Being present and trying is already something to praise.
Educating yourself on the issues can help. There are some general trends, but you can also try to learn about the specific ailments that the people you care about are suffering from. No mental health issue makes logical sense, so it can be extremely important to learn about how they change people. By learning these things you can not only learn tactics that help, you will become a better listener, as you will have points of reference to the things they are talking about.
With or without an understanding of the issues someone is facing, listening and patience will be your best tools. Bring an open mind and listen to what they are feeling, and remember that in these situations there does not need to be a cause. Sometimes with these things there isn't an answer to “Why?” Some of these things just are, and we have to do our best to manage our lives around them.
Many people will have questions while in these discussions. Respect that some people may not want to go into more depth about things or may find sharing anything about this difficult. You can always tell them to share only what they would like. My mind wanted me to put a winky face at the end of that sentence. Fuck. The youths have gotten to my brain.
In order to support, something you have to get into your brain as soon as possible is that a lot of these conditions are chronic and lifelong. You as a loved one cannot get rid of them. Ever. The person suffering from them cannot get rid of them. Ever. This is a terrifying and horrible reality, but it also can give you the clarity to focus on what you can actually fix in this situation. You have to focus on objectives and goals that are actually possible. Don't spend your resources trying to eliminate the indestructible volcano—put up walls to stop most of the lava and get some medical stations for the injured.
It took me 30 years to wrap my head around this, so don't feel rushed to accept it. My warning is to not go into any situation concerning mental health with the idea that you can 100% eradicate it if you just do everything right. This mindset will be harmful to you and the person suffering. Learn to understand that progress can be good enough, even though the problem isn't gone. Learn to understand that the person isn't necessarily “fixed” after spending time in therapy, getting medicated, spending time in a mental hospital, or decades of thriving. We can learn to work through our lifelong ailments; they are not gone.
Patience is needed in multiple facets of our battle. Patience is needed in conversation, relationships, and with the inevitable slow grind that is getting through mental health problems. It takes so much time. It takes so much work. Nowadays, we don't always have the extra time or energy to use on ourselves, slowing things even more. Please try to be patient with the process. If you are frustrated with how slow the growth has been in a loved one, imagine how crushingly dejected one can be when that slow growth has to do with their own ability to not be miserable.
The following are some phrases I would suggest keeping out of these conversations. Disclaimer to those who know me, these have been and will continue to be said to me, so if you think it might have been you, don't worry about it—love you.
“Just ____” Please get rid of terms like 'just' when discussing any issue with people you care for. 'Just' implies it is simple or easy, and in situations where the person has tried and failed at that, it can be extremely painful. We all have verbal habits that we use. Be mindful of the terms you are using in difficult conversations. This can be tricky semantically, as 'just' more literally could be referring to something within the sentence as simple. Whoever knew that communicating with people can be really hard? Where is my Nobel Prize?
“You're being too negative/Think about this differently.” Yeah, we know. Please refrain from trying to be a therapist. Even if you are a mental health specialist, in these situations, you are not their therapist. Suggesting someone goes to therapy is fine, but do not make your talks therapy. Not only will you almost certainly fuck up the interaction, you will definitely change your relationship. If you are being a therapist, you aren't being a friend or loved one. Sometimes a changed relationship can be healthy; know that if someone comes to you for support and you offer therapy, that relationship will change. Supporting someone means supporting who and where they are. Don't try to change them, support them through their struggles. This will be best for both of you.
“I thought you were doing better?” I'd like to address 'better'. With a lot of disease, being 'better' means you're done; it's gone. For mental health issues, 'better' means better, not healed. Better may show as nothing at all, or even may appear to be regression, depending on the way the person is getting better. I am currently at my best, which includes a great deal of getting better. Depending on how you look at my life, you might not think it, but I am doing so much better.
“Don't cry; it's okay.” Not a fan of this one in general. I'm sure there are generally good intentions behind this statement, but when someone says that to or near me, it sounds like they are trying to stop the crying to ease their discomfort in the situation—not providing support. What they are going through may not be okay, and that is fine. The situation can suck, that is fine. That is reality folks. I know we all want to avoid the painful things in life, but people with mental ailments can't. Let them cry if they need to. Let the moment suck and sit with them in the puddle of suck.
I would like to give a shout-out to people who don't really “do” feelings. That is totally fine. I love lots of y'all. I am on the other side of that spectrum, and it's all gravy. I'll take all them feels for you. My suggestion for you is to be upfront and honest about that with the people in your life who are suffering. It is important for us to know who wants to have these conversations with us. If you want to find a way to actively help more, think of the non-emotional support you could provide.
Let's talk about some indirect support. I would not suggest offering money. In most cases, this can feel insulting or at least push someone to the defensive. Money is a big stress for most people, but even if it is the root issue for those who suffer, offering it can bring extra shame to them. You can find out what comforts them, or if they have go-to shows or music. If they are having a bad day, you can cater to these comforts to ease them out.
Some ideas for indirect support: bring them food, sit with them without interacting (draw or read a book, etc.), play music you know they like, put something on the TV you know they enjoy... It's tricky but you can make it work.
When someone with mental health issues is having a bad day with said issues, I would encourage you to meet them where they are when you can. I realize it can change/ruin the night to stay in and re-watch a movie rather than going out with the peeps. I just wouldn't go into comforting someone with a set plan in mind. Have some ideas of what they might want to do, but don't show up thinking that a surprise night out with the friends is all they need right now.
Even if you aren't a particularly emotional person, just texting “yo” can show that you care. You don't need to listen to everything or cry with them or whatever else might make you uncomfortable. If you still want to find a way to support, learn about the issue, learn where you can help, offer help where it feels comfortable to you.
Caring and trying is the majority of the battle. The rest isn't easy, but you will get it. Don't worry about being perfect with these things. Thank you to my friends and family for being amazing at supporting me. I would not be the man I am and have the strengths I do without all of you. As much as I have wanted to be a better friend and family member directly with you, I can at least show my gratitude by being at my best and sharing now that I can—all thanks to you.
To conclude this section I would like to note an often overlooked part of helping others; making sure you are taking care of yourself first. If you aren't doing well yourself, you won't be able to help at your best either. I am sure having a loved one who struggles is painful. I am sure that others will have better specific ideas or tools that could help you more in this. Take good care of yourself and share what you can. You are loved, and your care is appreciated, even when the situation or energy doesn't allow everyone to share that message with you. I love you. Thank you so much for caring and trying. I know we can be a pain in the ass. I love you.
Conclusion – Tracks: (16) The Drowned Girl – Yann Tiersen, (17) Hoop – The Jellyrox,
I want to share my 'spirit songs' with you. The first is “The Drowned Girl”, by Yann Tiersen.
I have always been unusual. I have never felt normal. I have always been subtle with my introductions to people, bringing a generally unoffensive but potentially bland view of who I am to start. I feel this is still genuine to myself, but I hide a great deal of my fire and passion from people at the start so as to not scare them away or make them uncomfortable. The somber, soothing introduction I bring can depress the situation slightly. I am generally able to carry this through by owning my oddity.
Once I have established the underlying baseline of kindness, I bring in some of my intricacy. I have a bitter, dark sense of humor that can seem out of place. That's right, I'm quite weird. I talk about mental health and I'm passionate about stuff that isn't particularly happy, but I'm me. I'm awesome. I am a uniquely depressing beacon of light. I embrace my darkness as my experience and as an area of some expertise.
I have come to find my role in society is like a conductor in a symphony. I often find myself in solitude. I often find myself being an educator or mentor. I often find myself looking at the bigger picture of how things come together in harmony or dysfunction.
I am sensitive to all around me, picking up on the subtleties within the noise. The sharps and flats of the symphony that stick out to my ear are pain. Pain is the mistake in our collective flow that ruins the music. Pain is the key factor that makes me stop the whole production to call out the perpetrators. Let's be real, the percussion section is to blame here.
My current issue is a lack of experience with most of the instruments and being overwhelmed by how many sounds are wrong in the song we currently find ourselves in. I am relying on the veterans in each section to fix their own issues. When I don't have the energy to fight, the music can sound horrifying and hopeless. We have to remember to find our happy melodies playing through the cacophony.
When it all comes together, the simple beginning is still present, it has not been forgotten. In tandem with our introduction, we have all of the emotion and nuance that creates our environment and shapes us. Things can get hectic, we can feel as though we have lost some of ourselves—it's still there; don't be deceived by the chaos we find ourselves in. Find the harmonies in your life's song.
The quick abrupt ending to the song for so long embodied my self-presumed eventual suicide. Now I still find it appropriate as a spirit song. That abrupt end is still coming, though not through the same means. The complicated darkness leading towards the end is thankfully obscured to us.
The next 'spirit song' I have is “Hoop” by The Jellyrox.
I am still finding that I will have extra hoops to jump through in my life. I had almost two months off of work for an injury and surgery. In that time I was able to re-stabilize and get myself to an incredibly positive mindset. I set an agenda as to how I was going to move forward in all ways. I had overwhelming confidence going into the year, thinking it is finally going to be my time. A single day back at work gave me a hard backhand as to what all that means.
I have minor panic attacks relatively often. Started out once or twice a year, at its peak, maybe once a week. My first day back, after feeling amazing, I had two of these small attacks in the same day. That has never happened. I can push through these without much issue. 5 minutes of feeling like hell and another 10 to get back to normal. Not too bad. The frustrating thing to me here is that even when I am doing amazing, my subconscious finds a way to try to slow me down.
When I was on my time off, I was enjoying my time, feeling energized about myself and my future. My subconscious did not approve of that and inserted bad dreams. Thanks, team; appreciate that. I have found that life doesn't get easier as a whole. Aspects of life get easier with time, as I have gained mental strength when it comes to my mental health. That next hoop will still be there. It will get easier, but life doesn't stop—the next hoop is on standby.
Don't get me wrong; this is finally my time, but that doesn't mean that my life is going to get any easier. This can be disheartening. The key difference to focus on is that life will be better. My issues aren't things that can be checked off a list and completed. Life will be a challenge, but it will be better. There will always be the next hoop waiting on me. Maybe at some point I can even be at peace or find joy in the hoops.
For so long I have wanted to “Make it”. I have wanted to be “There”, “Made”, “Done”. I have wanted my family and friends to not worry about me emotionally, financially, socially. For so long I have wanted to not be a burden and relax.
“Making it” has some new challenges with the world we live in. Depending on expectations you or others put on you, it may be impossible. I expect a lot of myself. I am aware that I will not be able to accomplish all of my goals and dreams. I have come to find that “Making it” in my life will be doing my best and constantly pushing myself to do more and better. “Making it” for me will show in my confidence that I can handle whatever hoops life has in store for me. If I take my own definition to heart—I'm there, made, done. I don't feel this deep down all of the time, but this is the only realistic way we can feel accomplished.
I will be fighting for my whole life, not going to get to a point where I've “Made it” in the old sense of the word. I'm much closer than I feel, just need to change the framework to the reality of the world I face.
So where does this leave us? I'm still struggling forward, chugging along. I hope this can help people understand me better, and I hope it can reach more who need help, support, or understanding. Hope will always require some fight from me. Part of me is screaming not to share this, but I try to hold my hope close and continue moving forward, pushing to do what I think is best. I do think that my words are the best thing I can bring to this life and world. I am not thinking I will fix anything, but I feel that my thoughts and caring are my strengths. Still finding exactly how to use myself for the best good. This vessel is confounding.
Life is hard, take care of each other.
Love and hugs.
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